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June 5th, 2005
10:38 pm - I'm back. in more ways than one.
I've been thinking about my assets....the word i'm looking for here is skills. The best kind of person to be is a skilled person because they know how do to shit.
( Here's my skills- i feel like i'm advertising as a mail order bride--- anyone want to start the bidding? )
Every time I have two days off in a row i hit the road. just got back from visiting emily in rochester, which was absolutely fantabulous.
And this week.....this week will be my saving grace. I'm going to pick up Damian on thursday and drive him up here where he will stay until........monday!!! FIVE WHOLE DAYS!!! except on saturday, when i have to work from 1-8 it will be some of the best five days of my life. there is something about seeing the person you love after a long time apart that can't be matched. I remember how much seeing him after spring break meant and i can't imagine anything more intense than that but it has to be, it will be, more this time.
"throw away your poison,
drink in my perfume
tell me where you're going
i'll be there soon"
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May 15th, 2005
02:46 pm - mutuality: a reciprocality of sentiments
Last night i hung up my clothes dowstairs instead of leaving them on my floor soaking wet. that was when i realized that i am an adult.
Yesterday i found beauty in the deep blood red color of the edges of a tennis court seen through about an inch of rain. I decided that the colors red and black look the best when wet. They shimmer more than others.....perhaps justifying my recent purchase of a black bathing suit......And wow, i'm not sure exactly what's going on with the recent spate of graffiti in my little slightly-lower-income corner of the richest town in the area, but the park benches on the bike path now say "sit on me!" and "take a load off", etc. while the backboards on the basketball court have entirely polite references to Shaq. what is up with that???!?!? I'm seriously wondering whether someone had permission to do them??
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May 9th, 2005
12:38 am
porcelain my skin and body
not quite see-through, but if you tried....
you'd touch a fragile bit of being
tied thick against the river tide
so hard my hull and deep my anchor
but made of porcelain so please beware
from things they do it might protect me
secret is- of me i'm scared
porcelain my skin and body
choice is mine and mine alone
i am a fragile bit of being
but still i see the strength i've known
now is when i'm thin and fragile
notice that i'm all alone
i wipe my cheek and say i won't fall
but wrap this bandage round my bone
I had a really nice day, except that i ruined it for myself. no one else, just me. the power to do that is the most terrifying thing on earth.
it was a really, really nice day. tomorrow should be great too.
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May 5th, 2005
09:08 pm - jesus christ, its may already
It's hard to conceptualize the idea of never, NEVER being able to go back to a place. You graduate from high school, but you could always go back and it would still be the same, the building, the classrooms, some of the students and teachers even. If i were to ever go back to my dorm room, however, nothing would be the same- totally different people living there, different stuff in their rooms. It's interesting...hope everyone got in what they wanted to get in because freshman year will never roll around again.
That said, yeah, i'm home. Looking like crazy for a job- i applied at 10,000 Villages which would be an awesome place to work- they sell handmade art from around the world, bought at fair prices so the artists can live off of what they sell. I'll probably end up working at a drug store though, which is fine by me.
Missing people, especailly damian, but the wonderful worlds of AIM and long distance phone calls and even a pen pal thing going on with my roomie will save me. And Claire- i still love you don't you ever believe that i don't i value every minute we spend together because you have been a sister and a best friend to me for four years now and i'm sorry but this summer i want to have claireandlisa time. :) i think i typed that all in one breath.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/licklips.gif) hungry
Current Music: oh please
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April 19th, 2005
10:18 pm
.......long time. i've been busy.
Dear Journal, i hate *******. i think she's fat.
---someone wanted me to put that in. she's the least fat person i've ever seen.
So this week's lesson is...i'm distracted. Not just right this moment, permanently. I can't sit near the TV at meals because i will watch some idiots yell at each other about baseball on ESPN instead of talking to my friends. I can't exist in large groups of people because i will attempt to listen to three conversations at once and end up in none of them.
Damian tried an experiment Sunday morning, he didn't talk to me unless i talked to him first. Our lunch was almost silent (Tom can attest to this, he was there too, but as he's quiet anyway it didn't change much).
Then Lauren left for classes monday morning and about 10 minutes after she left i realized that as she was walking out she said "have a nice day" or "see ya" or something similar and i had no recollection of her saying it up to that point and no memory of saying anything back to her. Even my preschoolers know when i'm distracted, they will just walk away from me because they know, as one said, "Miss Lisa, you're not listening to me".
I guess i spend that time that I'm not focused on what i should be.... what? thinking? observing? i have no freaking idea.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not a walking zombie. yet.
I.......LOVE.......SPRING. sunshine, skirts, sitting on the cathedral lawn.
And the awesome thing is that Buffalo's weather is about three weeks behind Pittsburgh's, so when I go home in less than 2 weeks, (!!$%^#$&!) i'll get to re-live those three weeks of the beginning of spring.
Love to everyone i love. obviously. haha, i'm awful.
--------- p.s. i changed the pictures in my entry from Feb. 6th. check them out, they're 200 times better!----------
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/bigsmile.gif) hopeful
Current Music: whatever abby's playing
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April 3rd, 2005
April 2nd, 2005
11:21 pm - verb
Indian dancing is awesome- just got back from an Indian Cultural....extravaganza. If I could pick another culture to have been born into, I definitely would pick Indian. minus the hot food but plus the saris, dancing,weather, and bright colors. Plus Indian people are just attractive.
i've learned so much over these last few weeks.... sometimes it seems like i'm just going in circles but here's the highlights:
1) focusing on the bad instead of the good will result in more internal doubt that you're not doing the right thing. not necessary
2) your friends will be there for you even if you're crying on their shoulder for the 1,000th time that week.
3) if you only have a limited amount of time with someone, don't spend it apologizing for not being there when you can't be there.
4) the best place to get away from it all is the golf course at Schenly Park
5) Rachel Hardenstine wants a shout out.
6) Damian makes me feel beautiful.
7) Making a schedule is next to impossible unless you know what you're doing in life.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/biggrin.gif) chipper
Current Music: hindi music stuck in my head
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March 20th, 2005
11:59 pm - memories of the boulevard
Malls.
they used to be my sworn enemy when i was about 11 and my mother decided that the absolute best place to shop for clothes was Hills (anyone remember that store?), by virtue of the fact that the clothes are rediculously cheap and could never, ever, be accused of being too "trendy", the store was nearby, and perhaps, subliminally, because
the only good thing about it, in my opinion, was that if you were under 10 you could get a cup of FREE popcorn and since i was wearing their clothes i freaking LOOKED like i was under ten until i was about 13 1/2.
so i hated the mall.
all those kids wearing clothes that fit them.
i'm laughing now, because i know that most of you didn't know me when i was a pre-adolescent and have no idea of how rediculous i looked. there's a picture of me wearing, simultaneously, stripes of a kind of brown/greenish color, polka dots of various colors on a white background, and hot pink.
but me and the mall made up today. i felt like i looked good enough for it. probably the fact that I was in the Monroeville Mall, here in Pittsburgh, and I only know maybe 70 people total in Pittsburgh, so i was extremely unlikely to see anyone i know made it better.
i got some pink pants.
Lauren got the dress she needed.
i actually thought, at one point, "hmmmm, all these nice clothes. in one location! why have i not visited our malls in buffalo??"
don't get me wrong. i am most definitely going to always remain a thrift store shopper at heart. but the mall and i are on good terms now.
i think i am also on good, decent terms now with damian. and guy. two very good conversations went down tonight.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/smile.gif) complacent
Current Music: the pitter-patter of my computer keys
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March 11th, 2005
07:17 pm - change of major??
I've been thinking seriously recently about becoming a preschool teacher....or combining social work/early childhood education and being a school social worker. Whatddaya think?
(I learned in my soc. class that those kind of jobs, the ones that are an extension of what women do in the home, are called "pink collar jobs". I find that hillarious.)
I can see myself doing permanently what is now just a part time job....when i get annoyed at work, its usually because the Jumpstart rules (no saying "Good Job", have the children do everything for themselves, including cut stuff, etc) are frustrating me, or because the kid that i'm supposed to be working with happens to think the best joke in the world is to love me until she is SUPPOSED to be one-on-one with me and then deciding she hates me. I'm almost never frustrated with the kids in general.
The thing is that the world does not give much credit to preschool teachers. I mean, really. The job doesn't pay well either. I love little kids though. until they turn 9.
Maybe i can work with refugee kids....
Oh-- I'm back from spring break (it was lovely and pretty uneventful, unless you count putting my life in danger by letting Efi drive our car- j/k, j/k.) looking so much forward to tomorrow when my boyfriend gets back!!
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: soundtack from BABY- remember??
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March 4th, 2005
05:20 am
AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
I'm in the computer lab.
because some floors are flooding in my dorm. I hate you, Towers.
I was woken up at 4 am
ITs the night before spring break.
I have two midterms and a quiz beginning in 3 1/2 hours.
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/angry.gif) angry
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February 26th, 2005
01:58 pm
i finally made the decision i was supposed to make in january.
Its time for me, for once in my life, to go out and create the life i want to be living.
To give up some things that might be nice to get what i really want.
the sad thing is that i waited so long to make this decision, i don't know if what i really want is out there anymore.
and that hurts.
But damn, it is worth fighting for.
i might end up with nothing.
but at least i gave it everything.
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February 25th, 2005
11:13 pm
So its been a long time since i updated...two weeks.
My life has been bouncing around a lot and i've been trying to be a lot of things for a lot of people- its tough.
Here's what's made me happy though- being with Damian.
my boyfriend.
the way he bought me creamsavers because i mentioned i liked them once in passing.
the feeling of safety i have when he's around
his sense of humor (you-mor), the way jokes just fly out of his mouth
the way he made my sister and Emily feel so welcome, gave up all his time to make sure they had fun
the way he listens to me, and when i'm sad, says "i just want to make you happy"
the times we've prayed together, and i can see how much he cares about the people in his life
mmmmmm excellent hand massages
the time we watched Mean Girls- i don't even know what was so good about that, it just made me happy.
i love and admire his loyalty- to his family and friends
haha, this is gross, but how he always asks how my ringworm's doing (if you don't know, don't ask).....
Damian has been so good to me, and i'm ashamed to admit that i haven't been nearly as good to him.
i don't deserve him.
but somehow i still love him.
I've probably ruined it, but i'm trying, eskimo. and we'll just see how it goes.
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February 12th, 2005
07:00 pm - i have the time to ramble, so here we go.....
I would like very much to be the kind of person that people go to when they need someone to listen to them.... but i don't think that will ever happen. I find myself tounge-tied whenever i should be saying encouraging things.
this all goes back to everything Guy has ever said to me about who i am and who i could be. He sees a potential in me that i don't think i even see.
SOmetimes i want to ignore everything he tells me because it's too much work to change and i don't want to become only who Guy wants me to be.
sometimes I hold on to every word he says because i need to, to feel that people can look past my limitations and see good there.
In any case i love him.
maybe a month ago we had a conversation that went like this:
me: "i hate roller coasters. it's rediculous! you know what my favorite amusement park ride is?"
Guy: "no, don't tell me. it's the swings."
me: "what the hell?? how did you know that?"
It's crazy. because, you know, i can't tell him what his favorite amusement ride is. I have a hard enough time remembering my friends siblings' names or what tests they're studying for. My memory just sucks- so the way things are is that Guy understands me infinitely better than i understand him.
this makes me sad, like i'm unappreciative and haven't taken the time to really get to know him, like if i just listened a little harder, a little longer, asked the right questions, suddenly the world of Guy would be opened up to me, and I could be a much better friend.
could tell him what his favortie amusement park ride is without having ever discussed amusement parks before.
this is a lie, though.
I've listened to him just as much as he's listened to me. His mind just puts things together in a better way. CHING! you win, i lose.
i guess i just have to accept that. that no matter what relationship i'm in, i will have to struggle, fight, claw my way towards understanding that other person. taking part of their life, who they are, and storing in my head so that i can look at things the way they see them.
it isn't easy.
Life is good. Colleen and Emily are probably visiting-- from next sat. to tues.
Ashley's lj says she was listening to "Healing Room" and that song is one of my favorites ever- it makes me feel strong.
you make me feel beautiful.
time to do something productive.
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: shhh, lauren's sleeping
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February 7th, 2005
08:00 pm - Ooooooops.
Lisa,
It has been brought to my attention that their was a small accident that took place with the van on Thursday, February 3, 2005, which was not reported to the office. Due to the fact that you did not report the incident, we are revoking your driving privileges. We feel very strongly about keeping our college students and vans safe and keeping the University up to date concerning the vehicles. As mentioned in the protocol below, all incidents should be reported immediately. I am not going to put you through the disciplinary process over this matter, but I must revoke your driving privileges. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause your team. Please feel free to talk to me further about this issue.
i'm so bad.
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February 6th, 2005
04:32 pm
I think it's time to update the livejournal world about my love life.
( this is my boy.....updated )
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Ben Folds "Annie waits"
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February 5th, 2005
06:27 pm - i've started playing the guitar again
Sometimes being here is too much for me.
sometimes I can't find a friend for the life of me.
sometimes I push away anyone who ever wanted to be my friend.
sometimes I need to cry.
I ran away today. but I came back.
we all feel like this sometimes.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/lonely.gif) blank
Current Music: rachel's piano
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February 1st, 2005
06:52 pm
Auto response from lisanna6891: boy meets world. 3 and 3:30 at least twice a week!
LaurenM1233: I want to watch!
later.....
Auto response from lisanna6891: napping
LaurenM1233: I want to nap!
LaurenM1233: hehe
LaurenM1233: wanna trade lives for today?
Oh, its nice to be envied!!!
The first big round of midterms/tests are this week. I had my psych exam today and I think I got around an 87, not bad considering I went to only 3 of the classes and studied for 10 minutes. Africanna studies test on Friday that will absolutely KILL me. something about all these african names that makes them impossible to remember..... and when I don't know the answer, I feel like I'm being discriminatory or something. African history is Not Taught in elementary or high schools. Sure, maybe we learned a little about Egypt, or the "triangle trade" but thats about it. So this class is like learning history from the absolute ground up, without the usual "oh yeah, King Charles, the Reformation, I already pretty much know that". Molefi Kefi Asante? Mdu Ntr? Know where Kumbi is?
Learning is my archnemesis.
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Breakfast At Tiffany's
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January 25th, 2005
10:30 pm
So yesterday i went to D.C. and back w/ Rachel, Lauren, and Lauren. Yes, in one day. don't do it if you value your sleep!!!!!! However, there's something else that i value, and that is going to protest for a good cause when given the opportunity.
I don't think abortion should be legal.
Now I know that a lot of you do.
And i understand the arguments the pro-choice side makes. But i cannot wrap my mind around the violence involved. Children. They're so obviously children. How can you kill something so very, very defenseless?
i know this picture is sideways :(
lol, what i DIDN'T know was that this one's gone through a timewarp. i'm leaving it this way though.
Anyway the trip was a good time. we didn't get lost. i got some good talking time with Rachel. Lauren hillariously fell over in the subway on top of some people. aaaaaaand.....i missed damian. Seeing him when we got back was a good, good feeling.
Current Mood: good
Current Music: DMB (you have me hooked.)
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January 21st, 2005
03:04 pm - well for pete's sake, i could have told you i'm not paranoid
I hate it when you're taking one of these quizzes and you're like, "yes, that's me!" HAHAHAhaha, with excitement, like you WANT to have a disorder. I'm a dork.
If i could only let myself reach beyond the boundries i've set for myself. once a week, once a month i can.
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i_likeyourshoes's journal